Fergus Webber's Observation Banquit (fwob)

Friday, July 01, 2005

How to handle a web deisgner

Earlier we talked about not needing a web designer but you might be two busy to bother with your website so you may have to have one after all. Here is my guide for handling them properly...............

Web designers are like dogs, you have to show them whose boss or soon enough they will be chewing your furniture and pissing on your carpets. here are a few basic rules if you are ever have the unfortunate experience of havign two deal with a web designer.

Be unhelpful

when you first meet your new possible web designer, he will ask you lots of questions about what you want, how much you might want to pay, just shrug your shoulders and say as little as possible. a web designer can smell trust and if you show him you are trusting he is sure to take advantage of you.

Say you can get it cheaper

when he does give you a price for building your website say you can get it cheaper even if he offers to do it for twetny pounds say you can get it for five pounds. he might start going on about standards proffesionalism and stuff but don't be fooled treat a web designer as a profesional and he will soon he will be sniffing your crotch (or worse your husbands/wifes crotch). oh and if he mentions ROI, tell him that he should take regular breaks away from his mouse and keyboard. if you can't get it cheaper you may have to pay but you might get lucky he might do it for three pounds if he is hungry or needs a new iPod.

Alter the design

if your web designer is still sniffing around after all your attempts to get rid of him let him have a go at making you a design for yor website. You need to be quite subtle about this bit, don't sya you don't like the design at all can we do another one, say you like it a lot, but... the thing to do then is to spend a few days requesting little changes, these will build up over time and ruin the design. this is a good one web designers hate this and by now they will have relinqushed themselves to your control. Do a little test at this point, say something really daft like, can we have the site upside dow, ha ha! if you web designer is where you want him he should sigh and say sumthing like -- whatever you want it will be done and then he will do it, ha!

from Now on you really can get the website you deserve!!! ha!

Things to do the day before you launch your website

This is sooo much fun you will love it before the day you launch you're website email lots of changes and add some new content, do this in a word document and maybe an excel one and put lot's of colours, put it in tables and stuff.. juts make it really messy web designers hate that. Also put lot's of smelling mistakes in the text and then phone up the web designer and tell him the site is full of speliing mistakes --- they think that is funny! :)

Things to do the day after your website launch

Most importantly make good comments to begin with, build your web designer up, make him feel good but have your special friend at the ready. Your special freind should have something to do with computers, it doesn't matter what, hardware bloke or if he just works in a shop where they use computers a lot, have your special friend do a site criqtique (or observation as I like to call it) especially for the web deigner. remeber you're web designer will be stressed and tierd from you hauling his ass over the rocks of this projects but your nice comments will have lifted his spirits a little, so this final observations will put him firmly in his place. Be sure to tell yor special friend to say things like we have no meta keywords, why can't i find it on the search enignes and It doesn't really work on Netscrape 4.


With this done your web designer is pretty much crushed and serves him bloody write for bothreing you in the first place, all that is left to do is hold out on payment for as long as possible so that you are sure he will never darken you're door again.


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