Thursday, August 25, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Not very tasty
I do normally charge money for my observations but peter lambert-butler has called me to ask for my help he has redesigned his site but it all went wrong so i am here to help as he is a fellow britsih and he has a book out which i would like a copy of for my class library.
firstly pixelicious is a stupid name i have licked my screen all morning at this website but can't taste a thing and now i am thirsty. trade descrptions can get you on this one becuase it is misleading for people i suggest you change the name to either pixeltastic.co.uk, pixelisntedible.co.uk, tastypixelmetophoricallyspeakingofcourse.co.uk or something like those.
secondly as i said already there is no pink you must have pink it is the only way to make yourself stand out from the crowd i do it and Jarhead Igital (bloody stoopid name, I think he made it up, I think his real name is Brain Jones) also followed my lead and made his site pink just after he saw mine but his is not as nice as mine and the content isn't as good as mine and my name is better than his.
thridly you did it in five minutes which helps me with everything i have said about web designers they are a bunch of lazy people pretending to be busy when they are not so i like your honesty and maybe i can send you some clients who have alread red my advice about web designers.
fourthly on the hole your site sucks becuase it has a duck as a logo which makes no sense because how can I read you're site if i am to duck all the time and you should move to blogger like me and use a template from a well known designer who gives it away for free or you can try and type free templates into groogle and see what cums up.
filthy and last time I say you need a sentence for your comments or about bit if i was commenting on you site at SmileGala or CSSBolt I would say something like This site sux, I don't get why it is on here anyway becuase it is not better than anything.
I hope this is helpful to you peter and your sir name makes me thing of wanting to start smoking.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
One to watch out for peoples is micro floor mats. Very grate stuff I can see them being very big well not too big I hope or they won't be mirco anymore though I don't know why they are important to web designers, do they stop pressure sores from coming on your feet becuase you sit down so much and don't move your feet?
I am grate!
So I am now grate and respected, so listen to me when I tell you sumthing!
Task force is here!
Anyway this is all of the point becuase one email said they didn't know how I put up with the souless fucks that comment here and I said he shouldn't swear so much but what was to be done and the mailer said I should set up a task force as they was so popular these days. A good idea and I thought the a-team was a good name but that is taken so i called it TOFU instead. It means Total Fuckers Task Force and I was going to call it TuFTuF but Tofu is better because Tofu is white, sqaure, tastless and without any known sense of humour just like the most of the people we are after chasing down on this taskforce.
I dont know what else we will do with task force Tofu now it is set up someone told me it was a good idea to set up so I did, I hope you are happy now. So if you need Tofu task force it is hear though we don't know anything to do and I am a big member but the only one at the moment.
Why tutorials are shit
Hey, its just a thought you flaming people
Sunday, July 17, 2005
My bloody brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So did you delete my feed or are you still here wiht me?
Friday, July 01, 2005
Some sad news
My name is William W. Webber, I am the brother of Fergus. It was only yesterday that Fergus and I got together and he told me excitedly of his knew found love and how in the last few days he was experiencing extraordinary amounts of traffic. He was showing me around the content system he said he had built and showing me his design, I am not much of a web person but it all looked pretty good to me.
I am hoping this letter to you will go okay because I am on his computer now which is open on his content system.
Fergus was found dead in his wardrobe at 10.30am UK time. He was tied up with computer wires and he had two iPod shuffles up each nose and a copy of a book called Taking your Talent to the World by Jeffery Zoidberg stuffed in his mouth. The content police have described the killing as sadistic, perverted but thoroughly understandable, they do not believe Jeffrey Zoidberg is in anyway connected to the crime.
Fergus said you were a lovely crowd of people and he was looking forward to helping take the industry forward, sadly that will no longer be the case. We, the family, have decided to leave his site in place until such time as it expires or whatever happens to websites in honour of his popularity.
Finally, the police have issued the following photofit of a man seen running down the street at around the time of the killing, if you know him, please contact the content police using fergus's email address.
On SmileGala now
How to handle a web deisgner
Earlier we talked about not needing a web designer but you might be two busy to bother with your website so you may have to have one after all. Here is my guide for handling them properly...............
Web designers are like dogs, you have to show them whose boss or soon enough they will be chewing your furniture and pissing on your carpets. here are a few basic rules if you are ever have the unfortunate experience of havign two deal with a web designer.
when you first meet your new possible web designer, he will ask you lots of questions about what you want, how much you might want to pay, just shrug your shoulders and say as little as possible. a web designer can smell trust and if you show him you are trusting he is sure to take advantage of you.
Say you can get it cheaper
when he does give you a price for building your website say you can get it cheaper even if he offers to do it for twetny pounds say you can get it for five pounds. he might start going on about standards proffesionalism and stuff but don't be fooled treat a web designer as a profesional and he will soon he will be sniffing your crotch (or worse your husbands/wifes crotch). oh and if he mentions ROI, tell him that he should take regular breaks away from his mouse and keyboard. if you can't get it cheaper you may have to pay but you might get lucky he might do it for three pounds if he is hungry or needs a new iPod.
Alter the design
if your web designer is still sniffing around after all your attempts to get rid of him let him have a go at making you a design for yor website. You need to be quite subtle about this bit, don't sya you don't like the design at all can we do another one, say you like it a lot, but... the thing to do then is to spend a few days requesting little changes, these will build up over time and ruin the design. this is a good one web designers hate this and by now they will have relinqushed themselves to your control. Do a little test at this point, say something really daft like, can we have the site upside dow, ha ha! if you web designer is where you want him he should sigh and say sumthing like -- whatever you want it will be done and then he will do it, ha!
from Now on you really can get the website you deserve!!! ha!
Things to do the day before you launch your website
This is sooo much fun you will love it before the day you launch you're website email lots of changes and add some new content, do this in a word document and maybe an excel one and put lot's of colours, put it in tables and stuff.. juts make it really messy web designers hate that. Also put lot's of smelling mistakes in the text and then phone up the web designer and tell him the site is full of speliing mistakes --- they think that is funny! :)
Things to do the day after your website launch
Most importantly make good comments to begin with, build your web designer up, make him feel good but have your special friend at the ready. Your special freind should have something to do with computers, it doesn't matter what, hardware bloke or if he just works in a shop where they use computers a lot, have your special friend do a site criqtique (or observation as I like to call it) especially for the web deigner. remeber you're web designer will be stressed and tierd from you hauling his ass over the rocks of this projects but your nice comments will have lifted his spirits a little, so this final observations will put him firmly in his place. Be sure to tell yor special friend to say things like we have no meta keywords, why can't i find it on the search enignes and It doesn't really work on Netscrape 4.
With this done your web designer is pretty much crushed and serves him bloody write for bothreing you in the first place, all that is left to do is hold out on payment for as long as possible so that you are sure he will never darken you're door again.
flowers ha ha ha
anyway i went over for a look at the site and remember it now from SmileGala and it needed to be observed in some detail.
Fisrtly the guy behind it Josh Oxen says he is a web developer but his site wasnt designed by him it was done by a girl called Denise Radencovich which would explain why he has girly flowers all over it.
Really this is the most stupid site I have seen, he has even forgot to take of the lines you get with graphics design software, he left it on, look top right ha ha!
Also I see his site is not valid and the best bit of all is if you do a LiveSearch but just press the space bar in the live search form, the site will break for you ha ha!
I also only read one of his blogs about sumthing and left because it is the most boring, self-indulgent rubbish I have ever red. He has a link for me on his site and i think that is why someone thought he was me but i am not him, he is a twat and i am not.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Two big for there boots
anyway, here for you is the email that I sent:
If you can answer these three questions in the next ten minutes I will put them on my site for you (http://fwob.blogspot.com/) and you will get some extra traffic. Also, I don't think your site validates, you should fix that before I post your answers.
1: When you are making your website do you like to use Abode PageMilk or do you prefer to let Macromedia Firewherks create the HTML and tables for you?
2: If you are so great how come my Mum has never heard of you?
3: How many pizzas do yuo eat in one day?
// Fergus Webber
// Web industry observer
// gmail: email@example.com
// If yuo wuld like to contract me to observe something for you
please email with details of the observation and anticipated observation timeline.
Dougal Bowman has now replied but it is rubbish, look:
Hi. This is the send program at stopdesign.com.
I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses.
This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.
Mark Kley has replied now two:
Thank-you for your email. I am sorry but I am very busy at the moment,
but luckily my chimp Scooter has had time to answer your questions.
> 1: When you are making your website do you like to use Abode PageMilk
> or do you prefer to let Macromedia Firewherks create the HTML and
> tables for you?
> 2: If you are so great how come my Mum has never heard of you?
> 3: How many pizzas do yuo eat in one day?
And now graham Bunfluff too:
I'll join in but I don't want any traffic as it's not deserved.
Perhaps send it to Oxfam or something.
1: When you are making your website do you like to use Abode PageMilk
or do you prefer to let Macromedia Firewherks create the HTML and
tables for you?
I always try to shop in Tescoes casuse I find its cheaper than
Sailsberrys but if I had to, I'd use PageMilk corrs it's what I use at
the weekends aneway.
> 2: If you are so great how come my Mum has never heard of you?
Mrs Webber knows me I think, I used to deliver the Sunday papers back in 86'.
> 3: How many pizzas do yuo eat in one day?
Sorry can you be more speciffic.
John Hick now too:
Wheeeeree's myyyyy teeeaaa
Whooooaahhhh, ann eeemailll. Cooollll
Behold, the Penis migther than the sword
The world is my oister!
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
You don't actually need a web designer
Do you, as a business, actually need to hire a web designer? Possibly not. Web designers are nothing but pain in the arse glory boys at the end of the day, you're logo doesn't look write, your photos aren't any good, what about blind people, what about the content, blah blah blah -- you as a small business doesn't need the hassle quite frankly, so what are you're options?
Weekend web designers
If you ask around you're town, someone somewhere will be doing websites as a hobby. Know, you're average full time web designer will tell you part time hobbyists are a bad idea fro your business because they might just give up and leave you in the lurch but at the end of the day that is just them jealous because you can get your website done for a few pounds. Look around, there are plenty of weekend web designers out there.
There are hundreds and hundreds of free templates around and sum you can buy, all for really cheap too! So why pay thousands of pounds to design yourself something when you can get a template for £40 - £50 or even for free!
Do it yourself
If you have a copy of Microsaft Word or FrontPage or even Muckromedia Contribute, you can use them to make a free template for your site nicely. You will need to do FTP but that is easy if you do a search on the internet you can proably find some free hosting too.
Take someone elses design
If you go to any website and look at the FILE button on the top right of your browser, there you will see a SAVE PAGE AS or a SAVE button. Click that and the webpage will be saved onto you're computer and you will have there design, how easy is that!!?? Don't worry becasue the internet is so big noone will notice, probably.
So there you have it, you don't need so sucky, la di da webdesigner after all!
More observations to come soon! :0) ;)
Time and price
I will look at a three websites and tell you how long I think they would take to make and how much in British pounds that would add up to. I think this will be useful for clients who aren't sure how much they should be paying for a website.
Well, there isn't a lot to this website design so I would say to make it from scratch would be about about a day. There is no logo really (see my good logo design post for more info Mark!) so cost wise I am guessing maybe £400 - £500 with a years hosting and a content managment system (unless he uses blogger of course) in which case he might trim it down to £300.
This one has just got a pad of A4 note paper from Woolworths and scanned it in so it wouldn't take long with that done. It might take a bit longer than mark's site though because of the photo's so maybe two days for this one and perhaps £600 - £800 with all of the above - maybe £500 if they use blogger for content management.
Mark and Malarkey would do well to look at 2Advanced, it is very complex with nice graphics and some music on the site. This I would imagine took at least four days to make and to find the music loops from somewhere as well. I would say around £2,000 - £3,000 for this one and I don't think you could do this with Blogger so no price reduction there I am afraid!
Well I hope this is useful to you and you can use it in your meetings with clients to help make them understand the true value of websites.
Good logo desgin
Before we go on to explain how to make a good logo I'll look at some bad ones shall we?
The stopdesign logo is fraught with many problems, Dougal would do well to look at the negativity his logo effuses, from the word stop, a negative in itself to the icon on the left which looks like a punching fist with a knuckle duster attached, would you hire this designer for your website? I think not, not know you see how agressive he is.
The hicksdesign log and band is also frizzilingy with brand identity gone astray. British designer John Hick shouldn't use leaves, espeically not with his logo on the side as it is, it suggests to the client subconscious that he is either using marijuana and so can't stand up straight, or, being British that he is sat on his backside all day drinking the leaf tea brew, which is the favourite amongst us Brits. Would you want to hire a tea drinker who can't stand up because he smokes marijuana all day? I thought not.
So how do we design a logo for a website design company that shows us for what we want the customer to believe we are, well I'll show you:
Step 1: The boundaries
We have to remember that client will be coming with boundaries and so we address those percieved boundaries in the first step of our design as follows:
Step 2: Stretch the boundaries
Then we want to show the client that we, as a company can stretch those boundaries, not in all directions of course but just in the right ones, so let's do that, let's stretch the boundaries of web design:
Step 3: Intelligent, Inventive, Innovative
With the client no subconciously believing we can stretch the boundaries it is time to show them that we are all of the above I's and that we have a sense of humor about our work as well, a good font is what's needed, and so:
So there we have it, I hope Dougal and John will find it useful when they consider their redesigning and I hope you have found it useful. Please don't steal my logo design here though, it is copyrighted for my future business.
A new dawn
Your Fergus Webber.